i just need to update right now for the plain fact that my dad is now playing michael jacksons "heal the world" in rememberance and i can hear my mom upstairs singing along and their accents are amazing and its just so great. this is such a great home.

also, i got my evaluations of my family today, meaning i have to say if i would reccommend them again or not. i cant believe i have to do this already. also my mom told me like 387529 times today that she doesnt want me to go. and she missed out on all these plans tonight just to eat dinner with me. i dont wanna leaveeeeeeee

and then there is that other side of me that cant wait to get home (o god the free willy song now!!) my emotions literally change every hour or minute. for example. today i went for a marvelous run in the first sunny day in forever, got to see the ocean, was in a great mood, in my room dancing (no judging) and never happier to be here, and then i talked to marissa and found out i was going to get to see her in az which made me overwhelmingly excited to go back to az. and then i remembered how much i love there too, but then i had a great lunch with my mom and loved here more again...WHAT THE FUCK. this is so messed up.

so no longer talking about the nonsense in my head...yest i went to the last salsa tuesday and it was great, it was pretty much just us gringos and some really good dancers, like the first time we went...full circle. it was really fun, i loved dancing and it was a good last time.

also tomorrow i am going to stay in hostel bellavista (!!) arthostalbellavista.cl this absolutely amazing hostel with so much artwork/grafitti (nicole we saw it) and a great view of the ocean and just a really cool place. i am going with maggie vanessa elizabeth and kathleen, we are gonna go out to dinner, go to some parties and then make brownies and hang out together cause its the last night with maggie :( god i love her, it will be so hard to say bye. how is it time already? how have i possilby lived here 5 months?? shiiiiiiiiiiiit. theres that thinking thing again.

also im done with finals tom! and then fri off to san pedro de atacama!! wooo. happy life.

these things always turn out longer than i expect. anyways

as micheal says

"and if you really try, you'll find there's no need to cry.....if we try we shall see in this bliss we cannot feel fear or dread.
we stop existing and start living."



peace and love from chile

i would like to just start this post off by letting you know what is going on around me. i am currently in my room listening to my parents and their friends conversation as they eat churros and hot chocolate and my mom makes sopapillas. meanwhile shakira is singing beautifully in the background. only in chile. i love my life.

so im not sure where to start. my real familia was here last week, which was great and stressful and strange all at the same time. i went to meet them REALLY early wed morning in santiago. i waited forever but then finally saw them on the screen u have to watch to see where people will come out and ran to go meet them. it was probably one of the best moments of my life. i might have cried. haha. but honestly, i didnt know how much i needed them til i didnt have them or how much i missed them until i was hugged. THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A HUG FROM YOU MOTHER. or your best friend for that matter. idk when chile turned me into a little sappy family lover, but whatevs, i appreciate what i have now so i guess thats what matters.

anyways so we hopped on a shuttle to the bus station and then on a bus to vina. but did i mention they brought 9 bags. 9! i said one per person tops.... so anyways it was slightly difficult to do all this, but we managed. then we got to vina and made the wonderful 25 min walk with 9 bags to their hotel. haha that was an experience and the first fight..within hours. hah o well. so then we go to to the hotel, after some problems we decided to stay. we went to lunch and they had their first true empanadas then we just walked a little bit to see vina. it was so weird showing them things that were so part of my life that they had no idea about. but also everything was harder than i expected, i forgot i would have to explian the menus and every sign and well everything.

but then my familia de verdad met my host family. AMAZING. i should start off by saying that both my sets of parents are the same. my moms (hah strange) both clean too much, give u orders all the time for everything and have their way of doing things. they are both loud and crazy. and my dads are both just way too laid back. so they met and it was this insane confusing translating fiesta. but they hit it off seriously right away. my host dad knows quite a bit of english and my real mom was really good at picking up what they were trying to say so that helped, but mostly it was me trying to translate everything. so we ate dinner and it all went really well. i love love loved having them all together.

so then thurs we just walked around other parts of vina and had lunch and i went to class. then we went to see the sunset, it was a good one, not the best, but i was glad they got to see it, its so pretty with the port and the city lights and the ocean obviously. and then we just chilled that night i think. friday was a really gross day and it rained and flooded. me mom and chels went to pilates and were soaked by the time we got home. then we went on a driving tour of all vina, valpo, con con, and renaca, the cities by me, it was bad weather so u couldnt see much of how pretty the road along the coast is, we also went and got hot chocolate with my dad and cake in valpo on cerro alegre, which is so pretty. then sat we went to the antique, produce and flea market outside in valpo. that was cool and we walked around lots of valpo and saw the plazas and different places on teh flat part. then we went to quintay with my host family. its a small fishing pueblo about an hour away. it is a beautiful drive up the hills of vina and then through the forest to the coast to this really secluded little area. we went to an old abandoned whaling factory. it was so cool and creepy. we saw where they would drag the whales up and do all the gross stuff and collect their oil and blood and skin and all that. it also had a cool place to climb up and look out at the bay and had a cute little lighthouse. so we walked all around there and saw a beautiful sunset. it was honestly one of the best things ive ever done. the place was gorgeous, jus the calm secluded rocky bay and my two families with me in the place i love getting along so well....i got emotional again. fml. (cucha mi vida cmv.) but anyways then we had an interesting dinner overlooking the bay. we tried 2 seafood things, but i have no idea what they were. one was a pink slimy thing with a parmasean sauce, that was good except its texture and then we had something called loco... it actually wasnt bad but had little flavor, i have no idea what it is tho. then we went home and relaxed in the hotel. then sun we had family fathers day celebration. we had a lunch for like 5 hours haa. it was soo entertaining my grandparents were there too and my other brother and his daughter. it was alot of work translating but i was so happy i could and it was just a really great time. my grandparents especially were so funny, my gpa got so into things he even knocked over his wine, i guess u had to be there but it was soo funny. and then we went on another tour of places with my dad, but where u could actually see things hah, so we went all along the coast. um so then mon i went to class most all day and then that night we went to color cafe in valpo on cerro conception with my friend nick and his real family and some other gringas. that was fun and awkward, my friends meeting my family. but my fam got to ride the elevator up the hill and dee my favorite view of the cities so it was good. then tues i went to class and took a final and then went to the feria and then to my host house for a goodbye dinner. my real fam got presents that were great and we had another great meal together. somehow they always go so fast and we were there for hours after thinking it was going to be a quick hour ish thing. so then wed we went to santiago. we got there later in the afternoon to our really nice hotel after stuffing ourselves and all the luggage into a taxi. we had lunch there and hten i showed them the centro of santiago an d the feria and some of the places i like. then we went back to the hotel and went to a weird buffet thing but with really good music for the rest of the night. then thurs we went to cerro cristobal and the metropolitan park to see the huge mary and ride the big ascensor. then we also went to santa lucia, the park built above the city on a hill and then me mom and chels got massages and then we went to the airport. on the way there also is when i found out michael jackson died by hearing "se murio michael jackson?!"i mean honestly, if there is anyway to find out, its in spanish. so then we said goodbye, which was easier than i thought becasue ill see them in a few weeks. but at the same time still felt weird and like i was alone in south america again hah.

anyways then i came home and had din with the host family and then went out to huevo (a 5 story club) with maggie kathleen vane and the soccer boys. it was really fun, we went to go see a red hot chili peppers cover band, but ended up only seeing the last song cause we went upstairs to dance. it was a really fun night. then friday i went to excercise classes that eneded up being cancelled because of a busted water pipe which then caused me to be on the micro home for an hour. um so then i went to my friend sams house b4 our goodbye dinner, we just hung out a bit and then went to renaca for the dinner. i wish i could say it was a great moving experience, but honestly it was just like any other dinner, we were kinda seperated into our usual groups and there wasnt much togetherness or any big goodbyes. but the food was good. and then we went to cafe journal afterwards for a bit and just hung out. then sat i went to the ex carcel with some friends. it is just an old jail turned into a cultural center (it just stopped being a jail in 1999). it has so much graffitti and is just so cool to see it all abandoned but turned into such a positive space after being a place of such negativity. then we found out that there was a circus show that night outside there with trapeze and acrobats and water and fire effects and all kinds of stuff, so we decided we would go back. then we went to the cemetary that was next to the ex carcel which is cool cause all the cemetaries here are abouve ground and like little cities. they have so many mosuleums and it is set up like cities meaning the rich families together and the poor seperate in littler places. also they segregate it in terms of race, like the italian or spanish fams together, its so interesting. so then we went to get empanadas which was fun and then after we went to the sand dunes to watch the sunset which actually wasnt as great as usual cause it was so cold and hte wind was making the sand hit us alot. um but then i went home for a bit and we were going to go to the circus show, but it started raining as we were walking there and so we figured it was cancelled so we went to cafe juglar close to home for a bit instead. that was fun, it was just sam maggie alex and i and it was good convo. then it was pouring and my street was a river, so i got SOAKED running home. good times. then sun i relaxed in the day cause it was gross and then went to an asado (bbq) at the soccer boys apartment. man what i night that turned into. we werent really wanting to go or stay long and i def was there til 7 am this morning....it was a great night. we just played drinking and card games, estabamos volando talked, sang, cooked, idk it was great. the boys are so nice and i wish we had met them earlier, they arent like other boys who just want to be ur friend cause u are a gringa or try to hook up with u, they never try anything, they just want to have fun and are so laid back and funny. it was just a great night and im so glad i met really great chilean friends.

so then today, was a very interesting day. i woke up after 5 hours of sleep to my family moving around all the furniture in teh room above me. then we ate really quick...which i did not want to do...and then went to a celebration of san pedro, the patron saint of fishermen and valpo because today is his holiday. so i didnt know what i was getting into. turns out it means that u go on a bay tour of the cities. meaning you go with lots of other people onto lots of small boats for a few hours around the bay. wow could there have been a worse day. so who wakes up naseous not just from drinking WAY too much but also from getting my period. awesome, so there i am sitting on the boat rocking back and forth feeling faint from period, dehydrated as fuck, horrible cramps and also about to puke. also i would like to mention that we were supposed to experience an earthquake last night that would be followed by a tsunami...on the water i was then sitting in. great. yet it was still one of the best experiences ive had here, just spending the day with my family, seeing all the people gather again, looking at the cities by boat and the port and huge other ships, like naval ones and the ones with all the train things, from up close. and being on the water which is just one of my favorite things ever. it was just such an unsuspected day and was great. then we went to the grocery store and met up randomly with some family friends (who i mentioned at the beginning of this) and they came over. i left in the middle of writing this to go have hot choc chorros and sugar covered sopapillas with them. so thats that. and now i have to do hw (my final final project!) which im avoiding.

i would like to just throw in here too that i have been close to the most confused i have ever been in my life here. for lots of different things i should definitely be past by now but am not, but mostly for leaving here. i have been so so homesick. like so ready to say fuck it im leaving early, i need what i know, i need english, i need my other friends. but then when i think of leaving here i just want to ball. i cant imagine not seeing my family here everyday, or losing my spanish, or missing my friends here, or my new lifestyle, or the general environment of just living. ill miss so many places i go to and so many people who i just may never see again. and its just not fair. this experience fucks with you. more than i ever imagined. I DONT KNOW WHERE I BELONG. its just made me see that i can love so many different things and places and people which makes this all harder. and how much time i havent spent doing what i truly wanted. i just want to see the world and meet new people and just live. but you cant unless you have money and to have money u have to go to school but by the time u get past all that, forget it, youve run out of time. i hate society. i just wanna do what i want, its my life damnit. also why havent we perfected teleportation yet? god but i cant bitch because honestly the only reason i even know what im missing is cause ive had the great fortune to get to experience so much. what a brat i am. the point is, culture shock is the worst thing ever (sorry steph). i shoulve been warned i would be so fucking lost at the end of this.

anyways, im not going to think about that any more, time to actually do hw. great.

con todo mi amor de chile. nos vemos pronto!

sooo i bailed on this and now its overwhelming to update.

im just gonna write things as they come to mind...the biggest thing being that nicole came to visittttttt! it went by so fast, she stayed in my moms friends house, i think that was a little more awk than expected hah but it was close so that was good. we went to the beach alot, she saw my school, we had great manjar churros i am now addicted to. we went to "red hot chili peppers" for mexican food and had coconut shrimp and it was yummy. we went to cardio extremo and pilates :) we also went to casablanca on a wine tour, that was so pretty, it was a place called william cole (american obviously) and we actually saw him from afar hahah, it was nice, just us, we had 3 wines cheese and crackers in this restaurant by ourselves looking out on the vineyard (although all the grapes had been picked) we also went to isla negra which is where pablo neruda has another house, its a small town with not much of anything, but the ocean view is greatttt. we saw his really really cluttered house and stayed by the ocean for awhile. we also went to a party with some of al's friends and then to scratch to dance. and we went to juglar with some people so she could try vino con fruita, we also went to barfusion, just a little place, to have some wine and then to juglar later for virginias bday with her david and maggie. she ate an ostrich empanada....o we also ate a pretty dinner at isla negra with a view of the ocean. um, we went to quinta vergara the park here and saw the art gallery there and then saw the cool trees and grounds of the area, we also stopped in a random antique and book store that was awk haha. ummm and we spent an afternoon walking around valpo going to la sebastiana one of pablos houses but it was closed..but it was pretty, we saw all the pretty houses and the view from cerro bellavista, the ascensor was broken so we had to walk it all haha, then we saw the open air museum of graffiti. we also went to color cafe in valpo to eat with some people. she got to ride an ascensor then ha. o also that day there was a strike/ralley in the street so we walked by that a few times. o also one day she sat in on my grammar class and got called on 4 times when i never did haha. and she went to my games class where we painted...o chilean classes. ummm, we ate really good peanuts too. and we had sushi one time.
then we went to santiago which was amazing! we stayed in a great cute hostel that was like an old house and was all antique like and so nice and pretty much just us on our floor. it was a huge old room and on this cute street called londres that was cobblestone and had really cute old vine covered buildings. we took a walking tour of the main places like the plaza de armas and some congress and judicial buildings. we also went and saw the teatro municipal and got a random tour and then decided to go see the ballet that was playing that night. so we got all dressed up (hah that was very interesting cause i had to wear nicoles clothes) and went to a nice italian dinner and then went to the ballet that was sooo amazing, i really really enjoyed it. then sat we went to valle de maipo, well actually san antonio which is a bit farther, towards the andes to go to cascada de las animas which is a reserve along the andes and we hiked to see the waterfall there and just chilled out there, it was so so gorgeous, for me one of the best places ive ever been. the vibe there was just great and u just felt so alone and connected to the world. it was so beautiful. then we ate at the food court back in town hah. umm that night we went to some club that was supposed to be great and have live music, which it did, just two guys with a guitar and an accordion walking around..it was kinda a bust but we still had good wine and conversation. then sun we went to barrio ballavista where we saw pablos last house la chascona. that one was really cool and we also went to la parque metropolitana and cerro cristobal where there is a huge 6m tall virgin mary overlooking the city. we took a funicular up the side of the hill to her and got to see a great view of pretty much all of santiago and of course the huge mary. then we walked around a bit and then ate at venecia, apparently one of pablos fav places, who knows, nicole tried chorrillana (fries steak and eggs and onions) and then we went and had dessert at la boheme :) and then went to have drinks at la casa del aire. that place was cool and had this warm red wine with oranges, it was yummy. then we walked home which was prob a bad idea (after i came back everyone was like, u WALKED home?!) but o well, it all worked out hah. except we did see a sketchy like 12 year old walking like he was up to no good (at like 1 am) and then he got a cigarette from some man he obviously knew to meet and kept going, we think he was a pickpocketer. anyways then the next day we went to cerro lucia where there is a whole park above the city. there is a fountain and some building things and its just really cool cause u can see lots of the city from right in the middle of it. so we stayed there a bit then we went to barrio lastarria, which was soo cool. its a quiet cute little green barrio right next to central santiago and we ate there at a place called cafe geometric where we had the cutest little waiter who was so patient with us cause we didnt understand how the ordering worked and he was so awkward and nice and then we walked to the park and then had ice cream. it was a really great place. and then we had the quickest by in history so far at the bus terminal and she went to the airport and i literally turned around and hopped on a bus home. it was so much fun

umm and then last wed i went to the national chile v bolivia futbol game :) it was so so great. i got on a bus at 330 to go to santiago, there were a lot of us gringos and then some really happy chileans in the back. we kept chanting together and they taught us the songs. i even led them a few times :) it was entertaining and really embarrassing cause after they sang this song something like "gringa preciosa" and would scream "i love you" haha and it was really awk across the bus. but then when we got there....3 hours b4 the game...they took care of us, helped us get in and just were really patient and hung out with us the whole time, we were supposed to be in different sections but they snuck over to ours and were like "we're here! we found you!" hah it was cute so we all hung out b4 and then watched the game. it was great we won 4-0. it was weird casue there were soooooo many police and swat people and the like 12 bolivians were in there own gated area SURROUNDED by swat people, they even had to leave early to get out safe. and then when we left there were even more cops. but the game was great, really entertaining and the spirit and energy there is just mindblowing. i have never really seen so many different people from different parts all soooo patriotic and happy to be their nationality. i mean they were SO PROUD to be chilean. it was sooo soo moving. many people told me that day that no matter what u were a fan of or where u were from, today you were a chilean and cheered for chile. it was just great, flags and singing and so much emotion the whole time. also they always yelled "fuck ur mother" (concha tu madre) when they were mad, even the kids and at practically everything, that was funny. the also served coffee? like the venders that walk around, but not alcohol (it would be SO crazy if people were drunk/more drunk) anyways then we went home on the bus, but i was kinda sick so i just slept on the way home hah.

what else do i remember, this weekend was boring cause i stayed home and did work/tried to get over my cold. on fri vane and eliz and maggie came over and then that night we made mac and cheese! and then we went to maggies and watched a movie and had popcorn! but i fell asleep...
so then today i went to classes and went and got my bus ticket to pick up my family TOMORROW! (10 hours as of now....but next time or whne anyone reads this they will be here!) and then i went to the beach to watch the sunset with some friends :)

im trying to think what i did b4 nicole came, but i guess nothing really happened. ok so ima go shower and try to sleep so i can get up in 6 hours to go get the familia! o how chile has made me a homesick and emotional baby!

welll, still demsiado love from chile!

o just another typical thurs, last thurs i was on my way to argentina, this thursday i saw a protest and parade. i just went to valpo to celebrate may 21st which is a holiday here to remember a famous naval battle that chile actually lost and "knew" they were gonna lose but went in fighting anyways to show their courage or something. anyways, it also happens that today presidenta michele bachelet was in valpo giving basically her state of the union address and we went to try and see the things going on around there. so we got to the congress after her speech, but we got right to the door just by pulling the "gringo card" acting like we didnt know what was going on and getting through barracades telling the cops we were going to say bye to a friend who was going back to america haha. there wasnt much to see there, then we walked down the street and there was a protest, i actually saw people being cleared using a water gun on the top of a military truck and there was tear gas, we just saw it smoking and went the other way, it still made us all teary eyed and sneeze, but we werent really that close. then we saw broken bottles all over the street (we just walked around all the closed off roads) and there was paint that had been splashed everywhere, then we saw some guys with their faces all covered and pulling the recycling bins into the street and breaking into it to get the glass, but we just walked away. then we tried to find the parade...chilean parades make no sense. we literally chased and followed it around. there was lots of macrching and bands and then cueca dancers but not like floats or candy or cheering...it was all kinda serious and just lots of military/navy things, but u had to go from street to street to see them. it was also the best weather ever. it was really fun and so interesting, only in chile.

and i should really write about last weekend but im lazy and a mary kate and ashley movie is on, so ima go watch that instead. ciaooooo

so i had a new, yet old revelation tonight.

i was walking home and i stopped to just stand and look at the sky (something that for some reason i have been really compelled to do since last summer alot) i dont want to sound crazy, but i feel like a different person and in a different place when i just look at the stars. i feel so small and insignificant, but somehow in a good way. i love seeing how much there is out there and that i get to be a part of it. and the part i love the most is that we all see the sky. i never have to feel far from anyone if i just look up.

but then i realized that all the people i love the most couldnt see the same sky as me.

and for a brief second ive never felt so far and so alone.

and then it hit me again, that the only reason i could feel this way is cause i had such great things to feel far from and that ive been lucky enough to have people who stopped me from feeling alone. and damn im so cheesy now, but there is nothing like being away from all you really know to make you see how great you have it. and i cant get over how grateful i am for my friends and family. and how much i love them all. my new friends h ere always ask who my best friend is, and besides chelsea which is the obvious answer, i honestly cant answer that cause i have so many friends i consider close enough to be my best. how great is that? i just cant wait to be reunited!

my heart is seriously aching for my family and friends. even tho i really do love everyone here, i need those familiar faces again. im just happy i know i have people wanting to see me too. there isnt really a better feeling than that.


so idk why im so grossly emotional, but its happening, so there it is.

"he found that he was flying. upstairs. high above the city. through the ceiling of the stars.
so cruel and pretty."

i really fell behind here. i cant even believe its may, hell middle may, where the fuck did april go? i leave 2 months from tom. :( unbelievable. ive lived here for 3 months. i have lived in chile for 3 months. in the other fucking hemisphere for 3 months. believe yet? cause i sure fucking dont. wow.

idk whats happened since i last wrote really, well waaaaaaaaaaaay back when on the 29th of april i started my volunteering program, its called programa calle and we go to valpo, make bread with manjar and then go to different stops around vina. i went with a girl named lily and gloria. to be honest i was really scared, i had no idea what it was gonna be like to talk, in spanish, with homeless people, i feel so bad now for being weary of them. i have met amazing people. they are soooo happy and appreciative. they just smile and want to talk to u, tell u about their lives, families, past, and hear about you and america and know how ur friend obama is doing ha. it feels so great to help them, but even better really to just meet such different people but see how happy and content with life and how they really appreciate everything. its just amazing.

then that thurs i went to sams house and we made cookies and it was deliciosoooooooooo. that night my bro invited me out too for the first time really and it was exciting, but i was going to la serena the next day early so i had to pass him up.

soooo then i went to la serena!!! that was a great trip with vanessa and elizabeth. it took us like 10 hours on bus and then we went to hostel maria, it was cute with a garden, we figured out what we wanted to do and just wandered around town that day, went to gabriela mistral museums. then sat we went to vicuna, a really cute small town kinda like olmue, it was so pretty, we stayed in a cute hostal that was just a house, but we had all upstairs, it was a great great place. we made dinner and then went to an observatory out in the valley to see the stars. that was one of the coolest things ive ever done, we saw so many things and the guy just answered all my questions, i was so happy i was learning so much and it was cool and it was in spanish! woooo. it was cool too cause apparently i cant see lots of those things from the northern hemisphere so that may be the only time i ever do. so that was just unbelievably cool. then sun we went to pisco elqui and on a pisco tour and had a cute lunch and then walked through the bvalley and vineyards to monte grande, it was so so gorgeous and like a painting.

ummm then that week i cant say anything too out of the ordinary happened, just classes, salsa, volunteering. thurs i went to eat greek food with kathleen (who we ran into on the road with italo and lufe...awk) and vanessa and went to sarahs bday party at her house, that was cute, then just went to a bar to chill. then fri i went to aerobox wooooo and um then that night we went to another beach party and i got way too drunk. it was so much fun tho. we just danced alot and there werent tons of awkward dancing moments hah. paul finally got the come save me look thing down so thats good. and then sat i went to a around the world food thing at the middle/high school with vanessa and kathleen, it was yummmmmy. then we went shopping and i just hung out at home. then sun i got my mom flowers for mothers day and made her a card and it was so cute cause she got so happy and started getting teary eyed and she hadnt even read the card yet, she was just like " o i have to go upstairs and show ur dad" it was so cute. o sat night i forgot we had "family" dinner for mothers day with all kninds of family.

then this week, um i actually had hw which was dumb, but also encouraging cause my mom checked over a paper and found like no mistakes, that made me really happy. tues we went to salsa, wasnt really feeling it that night, wed did work bleh, thurs i left for argentina! i cant write more now tho, so that will come.

im tired.
night from chile.

ok, so i know this isnt really what this is for, and also this is emotional whiplash, but i am really homesick. it makes no sense cause i went on a great trip this weekend, had so much fun and still felt great to come "home" here, but i cannot stop thinking about missing people.

i miss chelsea more than ever. she went to prom this weekend, and im looking at all these pics of her, she looks so gorgeous, and i am more than bummed that i missed it. i didnt even know it was going on this weekend.....what kind of sister doesnt remember that? i hate looking at the pics of her and my parents, they have so many of them on the family spring vacation trip and at events of hers and her prom and i just hate feeling left out and like i am missing everything. and now im going to miss her graduation and her 18th birthday and i just feel like a horrible sister. i didnt think i would care, but im never going to get to live those with her and its really bumming me out. i hate dwelling on things here, but everything i do here, i just want to share with her or her to understand, but we barely ever talk and i just wish could more.

also, i am soooo craving a hug from my mom, like a REAL hug. everything has been reminding me of her, smells and fruits and just everything. it was really weird to come "home" today from my trip and even tho i was excited to tell me chilean mom everything, its just weird cause my real mom still has no idea what ive been up to the last week or so. ive never really missed my family like this before, at school or anything, i think its just getting me this time cause i know its not an option to see them. i just really really want my mom.

and my friends. im sick of trying to explain my friends to my news ones here, i like the ones here, but i just want my other ones too. im just worried about how little time i have left at school and how im missing out there, even tho i know i wont think like that later. im afraid of where life is going after this. and that i wont like it.

i dont know why i am in such a funk about this. its so weird. but i guess it just shows im lucky i have places and people to miss. sorry this wasnt really a post, more just me getting shit out.

"cant seem to hold you like i want to, so i can feel you in my arms"

still sending all my love from chileee