o just another typical thurs, last thurs i was on my way to argentina, this thursday i saw a protest and parade. i just went to valpo to celebrate may 21st which is a holiday here to remember a famous naval battle that chile actually lost and "knew" they were gonna lose but went in fighting anyways to show their courage or something. anyways, it also happens that today presidenta michele bachelet was in valpo giving basically her state of the union address and we went to try and see the things going on around there. so we got to the congress after her speech, but we got right to the door just by pulling the "gringo card" acting like we didnt know what was going on and getting through barracades telling the cops we were going to say bye to a friend who was going back to america haha. there wasnt much to see there, then we walked down the street and there was a protest, i actually saw people being cleared using a water gun on the top of a military truck and there was tear gas, we just saw it smoking and went the other way, it still made us all teary eyed and sneeze, but we werent really that close. then we saw broken bottles all over the street (we just walked around all the closed off roads) and there was paint that had been splashed everywhere, then we saw some guys with their faces all covered and pulling the recycling bins into the street and breaking into it to get the glass, but we just walked away. then we tried to find the parade...chilean parades make no sense. we literally chased and followed it around. there was lots of macrching and bands and then cueca dancers but not like floats or candy or cheering...it was all kinda serious and just lots of military/navy things, but u had to go from street to street to see them. it was also the best weather ever. it was really fun and so interesting, only in chile.

and i should really write about last weekend but im lazy and a mary kate and ashley movie is on, so ima go watch that instead. ciaooooo

so i had a new, yet old revelation tonight.

i was walking home and i stopped to just stand and look at the sky (something that for some reason i have been really compelled to do since last summer alot) i dont want to sound crazy, but i feel like a different person and in a different place when i just look at the stars. i feel so small and insignificant, but somehow in a good way. i love seeing how much there is out there and that i get to be a part of it. and the part i love the most is that we all see the sky. i never have to feel far from anyone if i just look up.

but then i realized that all the people i love the most couldnt see the same sky as me.

and for a brief second ive never felt so far and so alone.

and then it hit me again, that the only reason i could feel this way is cause i had such great things to feel far from and that ive been lucky enough to have people who stopped me from feeling alone. and damn im so cheesy now, but there is nothing like being away from all you really know to make you see how great you have it. and i cant get over how grateful i am for my friends and family. and how much i love them all. my new friends h ere always ask who my best friend is, and besides chelsea which is the obvious answer, i honestly cant answer that cause i have so many friends i consider close enough to be my best. how great is that? i just cant wait to be reunited!

my heart is seriously aching for my family and friends. even tho i really do love everyone here, i need those familiar faces again. im just happy i know i have people wanting to see me too. there isnt really a better feeling than that.


so idk why im so grossly emotional, but its happening, so there it is.

"he found that he was flying. upstairs. high above the city. through the ceiling of the stars.
so cruel and pretty."

i really fell behind here. i cant even believe its may, hell middle may, where the fuck did april go? i leave 2 months from tom. :( unbelievable. ive lived here for 3 months. i have lived in chile for 3 months. in the other fucking hemisphere for 3 months. believe yet? cause i sure fucking dont. wow.

idk whats happened since i last wrote really, well waaaaaaaaaaaay back when on the 29th of april i started my volunteering program, its called programa calle and we go to valpo, make bread with manjar and then go to different stops around vina. i went with a girl named lily and gloria. to be honest i was really scared, i had no idea what it was gonna be like to talk, in spanish, with homeless people, i feel so bad now for being weary of them. i have met amazing people. they are soooo happy and appreciative. they just smile and want to talk to u, tell u about their lives, families, past, and hear about you and america and know how ur friend obama is doing ha. it feels so great to help them, but even better really to just meet such different people but see how happy and content with life and how they really appreciate everything. its just amazing.

then that thurs i went to sams house and we made cookies and it was deliciosoooooooooo. that night my bro invited me out too for the first time really and it was exciting, but i was going to la serena the next day early so i had to pass him up.

soooo then i went to la serena!!! that was a great trip with vanessa and elizabeth. it took us like 10 hours on bus and then we went to hostel maria, it was cute with a garden, we figured out what we wanted to do and just wandered around town that day, went to gabriela mistral museums. then sat we went to vicuna, a really cute small town kinda like olmue, it was so pretty, we stayed in a cute hostal that was just a house, but we had all upstairs, it was a great great place. we made dinner and then went to an observatory out in the valley to see the stars. that was one of the coolest things ive ever done, we saw so many things and the guy just answered all my questions, i was so happy i was learning so much and it was cool and it was in spanish! woooo. it was cool too cause apparently i cant see lots of those things from the northern hemisphere so that may be the only time i ever do. so that was just unbelievably cool. then sun we went to pisco elqui and on a pisco tour and had a cute lunch and then walked through the bvalley and vineyards to monte grande, it was so so gorgeous and like a painting.

ummm then that week i cant say anything too out of the ordinary happened, just classes, salsa, volunteering. thurs i went to eat greek food with kathleen (who we ran into on the road with italo and lufe...awk) and vanessa and went to sarahs bday party at her house, that was cute, then just went to a bar to chill. then fri i went to aerobox wooooo and um then that night we went to another beach party and i got way too drunk. it was so much fun tho. we just danced alot and there werent tons of awkward dancing moments hah. paul finally got the come save me look thing down so thats good. and then sat i went to a around the world food thing at the middle/high school with vanessa and kathleen, it was yummmmmy. then we went shopping and i just hung out at home. then sun i got my mom flowers for mothers day and made her a card and it was so cute cause she got so happy and started getting teary eyed and she hadnt even read the card yet, she was just like " o i have to go upstairs and show ur dad" it was so cute. o sat night i forgot we had "family" dinner for mothers day with all kninds of family.

then this week, um i actually had hw which was dumb, but also encouraging cause my mom checked over a paper and found like no mistakes, that made me really happy. tues we went to salsa, wasnt really feeling it that night, wed did work bleh, thurs i left for argentina! i cant write more now tho, so that will come.

im tired.
night from chile.

ok, so i know this isnt really what this is for, and also this is emotional whiplash, but i am really homesick. it makes no sense cause i went on a great trip this weekend, had so much fun and still felt great to come "home" here, but i cannot stop thinking about missing people.

i miss chelsea more than ever. she went to prom this weekend, and im looking at all these pics of her, she looks so gorgeous, and i am more than bummed that i missed it. i didnt even know it was going on this weekend.....what kind of sister doesnt remember that? i hate looking at the pics of her and my parents, they have so many of them on the family spring vacation trip and at events of hers and her prom and i just hate feeling left out and like i am missing everything. and now im going to miss her graduation and her 18th birthday and i just feel like a horrible sister. i didnt think i would care, but im never going to get to live those with her and its really bumming me out. i hate dwelling on things here, but everything i do here, i just want to share with her or her to understand, but we barely ever talk and i just wish could more.

also, i am soooo craving a hug from my mom, like a REAL hug. everything has been reminding me of her, smells and fruits and just everything. it was really weird to come "home" today from my trip and even tho i was excited to tell me chilean mom everything, its just weird cause my real mom still has no idea what ive been up to the last week or so. ive never really missed my family like this before, at school or anything, i think its just getting me this time cause i know its not an option to see them. i just really really want my mom.

and my friends. im sick of trying to explain my friends to my news ones here, i like the ones here, but i just want my other ones too. im just worried about how little time i have left at school and how im missing out there, even tho i know i wont think like that later. im afraid of where life is going after this. and that i wont like it.

i dont know why i am in such a funk about this. its so weird. but i guess it just shows im lucky i have places and people to miss. sorry this wasnt really a post, more just me getting shit out.

"cant seem to hold you like i want to, so i can feel you in my arms"

still sending all my love from chileee

im tired.

today was not my day.

and yet i still feel ok.

thanks chile.

i love my life.
i dont know how many times i can say or feel that a day.
the only way this could be any better is if my friends and family from "home" (wherever that is) were here.
i have never felt so free.
i have never felt so me.
this is an amazing place.

im definitely not looking forward to going back to reality and working and schedules and doing what im supposed to instead of what i want.

living in the moment is the best thing i have ever learned.

so with all that out of the way....

tuesday was one of the best days of my life. i went to dance class, which is always entertaining, then i was waiting to go to pilates and one of my friends told me he and others were going to renaca, 2 cities away, to go to the beach there and i should come. so i changed my mind, went home and ate quick and then we went to renaca. we just hopped on a bus and got off where we felt like looked good. which is everywhere there cause renaca is the rich city. then we went to the beach and i saw the biggest waves i have ever actually seen in real life. it was crazy. they could def kill me. then kathleen betsy and i decided we wanted to go to the sand dunes and get empanadas and ice cream. we started walking cause we thought they were ALOT closer than they were....so after realizing we would never make it and we had to be on the other side of the hill, we tried to go up an acsencor (the elevators on the hills) which turned out to be private and just to peoples apartments, but the guy working it was really nice and explained which bus we needed, and flagged it down as we literally ran to it haha, we must have looked soooo dumb. then we were on there for a long time, switched buses and like 30 mins later got to the dunes where maggie was waiting for us. we went to the store, got empanadas and wine and i got manjar cookies and then we hiked up the dunes. it was gorgoues. the sun was just starting to set. the sand was turning pretty colors, it was the softest and finest sand i have ever felt. so we sat there eating and talking and it was just perfect. on the left was my city and sister city and we watched the sun reflect off all the buildings and then the city lights start to turn on. and then in front of me was the ocean as beautiful as ever and to the right more sand dunes and cities. i have never been so content to just sit and stare. i had planned out what i was going to do that tues, instead it became this amazing and random day.

then it got even better cause we went home real quick, showered and went to salsa. i invited some new chilean friends and they came so that was really cool cause i just keep expanding my friends. i danced alot. i got to know ben a bit more, i didnt like him when i first met him, but we danced and he was really funny and goofy and actually nice. i also danced with some old guy and then some really smelly hippie dude. he was soo funny, like hearing his own beat and was def on something but he made me smile the whole time and he knew really cool turns. i like being the girl, u just get spun around all the time, its so fun haha. also speaking of hippie dude, im going to get a dread in the back of my hair, like at the bottom. everyone here has them and i figured when in rome....my friend choklo is going to do it for me, im excited.

umms then weds nothing special happened really, i just went to classes and stayed home that night and talked to friendssss.

thurs i went running...BAD idea,i felt like my legs were tearing apart...one thing about living here i dont like, EVERYTHING is on hills, my legs are always sore and calves are always so so so tight. but i passed vanessa's real mom and her bf on the street and that was kinda neat. then i went to class and walked home with vicki who now lives close to me! im really excited about that. then i did nothing again that night, finally a thursday night in...

yest, fri, i went to pilates and aerobox class. aerobox is amazing. its like dancing kickboxing to like techno britney spears. its soooo funny and i love it. i smiled the whole time and looked like an idiot, but it was awesome. then i ran errands for my mom, ate lunch and went to the beach. it was kinda chilllly, and i got bitched out by some pregnant woman in spanish for not giving her money...i just blocked her out and looked at the ocean haa. then i ended up watching the sunset with david haha how romantic. he is actually really cool and we get along really well.

then i went home and eventually me and kathleen met up with paul, nick and some other people at juglar. while downing a vino con fruita with her some really drunk, not all there woman tried talking to me, who knows about what....3 of tried to understand, it was NOT spanish or any language ive heard b4. but she just kept saying she was sorry and she didnt know i was a foreigner, she kept pulling my arm to hers and saying something about how our skin was the same...she knew i didnt understand yet kept going...it was funny. then we went to some knew place called kamikazi, its really modern, but kathleen and i left soon after to meet ashley and sam at the plaza. so we pretty much ran across town to make it there by midnight (hah i make it sound like cinderella now) and we made a pit stop in a hotel to go pee. that was hilarious cause there was a wedding going on and all these old dressed up people and we clearly didnt belong. so we just got stared at, it was so funny. then we took a bus to this party at the beach las salinas. and here is where i become awesome. me and my friends were totally on the VIP list...ive never been on a list, let alone VIP, in chile. it was one of my shining moments haha. the place is so cool, it has 3 rooms with diff types of musica and a balcony over the ocean and u can see the beach/ocean from all the rooms. it was really neat. we just hung out and danced, i ended up babysitting nick pretty much the whole night cause he wasss really high and drunk, but i still had fun. also had some awk moments with paul, but it was all in good fun. then we took a micro home, paul and nick walked me home and that was that.

today i got up super late, talked to chels a bit and some othersss and later i am going to valpo to color cafe, a really cute place to eat with elizabeth and kathleen and then we are going to some other cafe to watch some boy named diego peralta play an acoustic set. i listened to him on myspace and he sounds so good, plus his top friend is elliot smith, so i give him puntos already. aha

so thats all. these are always so long. i have a gift.

"everytime you come around, i feel more alive."

bunches of love from the southern hemisphere <3

i dont feel like writing this really, ive been sooooo busy and im so exhausted. and now im kinda sad i didnt write in here before so i could remember everything. i guess ill put in the effort to remember so i dont regret it later.

also, side note, coldplay is the best thing ive ever listened to, at least now, but maybe thats why im getting so tired.

ok so lets see, the thurs after my last post (the 9th) i went to my friends house after class and we made choc chip cookies! it was a wonderful wonderful american treat, then i went to ache havana the salsa place again, but it wasnt as fun that night cause it was sooooo crowded, i barely danced cause i just kept getting run into. then we left and went to a club called goose. we danced for a reallllly long time, it was a really fun group, more chileans than gringos and very good looking boys :)
um then fri i dont think i did anything in the daytime, and at night i went to maggie's house to make banana bread. we had "once" with her family and it was so so much fun. her family is so laid back and welcoming and fun. i got really sad when i was sitting having dinner with them cause i just kept thinknig that there is a chance i will never get to see them again after a few months. i hate that i feel so lucky to meet all the wonderful people i have here but no knowing how long it could last or if i will ever see them again. anyways, moving on from side note. then vanessa maggie and i had really need gossip update and bonding time :)
then sat i probs did nothing again, i think i slept alot prob, then i went to my friend al's house for a "previa" (pregame) and that was fun, we played stupid drinking games and it was again more chileans (camilla, her friend, al, juan pablo, maggie elizabeth, vanessa, some isreali boy y yo) it was just fun to go to someones place and hang out. then we went to a club called scratch. i like there better, not so crowded and it has different levels. we met up with italo and lufe there too and then just danced for hours again as usual.

sun iiiiii, idk what i did, hw for sure and maybe beach and then i went and watched a movie at lufe's house. then monday i went to classes as usual, only i didnt have my middle one, which i didnt find out til i got there...across towns....umm again did nothing that night i think. tues i went to dance class and pilates....that was hard. then that night went salsa dancing again, only it wasnt as fun cause i was with literally a group of about 20 gringas and it was too crowded in general. i also danced with a really random guy who wanted to help teach me, only i couldnt understand anything he said and he way too awkwardly forced my hips and legs to go where he wanted, it was weird. thankfully, my friends pulled me away and we left. thennnnn wed i went to classes and ran and went to the beach and then lufe came over, had din din with the madre and i and we just hung out.

thurs i went to a meeting about volunteering that im going to do, its making food and serving it to homeless people. it seems like it will be really great, im just a little nervous cause its late at night, but i get to do it with maggie, so thats fun. then i also went to a metting to do a language exchange program with other chileans, where we meet at least an hour a week and talk half in english and half in spanish. i already knew one of the girls which was awesome, i felt like i knew chileans! haha and they are all really nice, we have already planned movie nights and parties to have and biking excursions and one girl and her friend are gonna take me on a tour of cool arquitecture in valpo, so im excited cause i think i met more nice people. umm then i went to class. then that night was really interesting...

we (maggie vanessa and i) were trying to make it an early night cause we had to go somewhere with our program fri early. well, we ended up going to viene (a cute art bar) with camilla for awhile and then meeting up with her cousin (but without her) and going to his friends house to hang out...it ended up being literally 12 chilean boys and us 3 gringas. at first it was so weird and we were just like, where the fuck are we going, what are we doing, baaaad idea. it was awk for awhile and then they started opening up and it was pretty fun. i talked to lots of them and we had some actual good conversations. they were kinda immature tho, they wanted to play spin the bottle...thats how it works here tho, i mean the immaturity thing, its all a little behind, kids are baby-ed so much here and act like american 21 year old when they are like 25. strange. but if anything it was really good practice for my spanish, and if i say so myself i was really good at it that night :) haha also i met another boy who wants to do like one on one practice of english and spanish, so thats great, he also invited me to go out with them the next night which made me feel good that they actually meant it when they said they wanted to hang out again. its just so weird how nice everyone is and how willing they are to be ur friend and put lots of effort into it. i cant count how many times the boys who own the house told me/us that we could come back and just hang out whenever. but anyways we went to bed way too late that night and then i got up early to go to rabuco with my program

rabuco is like a small country town an hour away. we went and saw a grape farm where the grapes that dole uses grow. it was kinda cool, as cool as seeing the growing and packaging of grapes can be. then we had the BEST empanadas ever and fresh fruit (it was a dole farm...obvio) and fresh marmalade and danced the cueca and played fun games like 3 legged race and egg on a spoon and umm potato sack and tug of war. then i also saw a hugeee garden of flowers and we had once with the family who was doing all this for us. it was really nice, of course and then i passed out on the bus on the way home and just stayed in fri.

then sat i went to an asado (bbq) for my friend kathleen's bday. it was sooooo fun. it was at the botanical garden and literally the best day we could ask for. there was also another university party going on so there were tons of kids my age and music and stuff. we just ate drank and talked forever and walked around the park. it was so fun, i also got to meet vanessa's parents, well, mom and her bf, and that was cool, but it was weird to speak to an adult in english, i havent done that for awhile...and then we had a hell of a time getting home cause the bus system shut down so we went through a lot of walking and work to get on the metro, where some drunken drama happened, but its all good. then i had dinner at home, the most amazing chocolate cereal we have here (which i ate instead of the ground up chicken soup mush my mom left me, thinknig i wouldnt notice...) and then we went to al's apartment again to pregame. i got shwasted. the most here so far, it was pretty funny, until i had to walk for 20 mins on VERY uneven sidewalk to scratch. maggie was funny cause she was pretty drunk too and just wrapped herself around my hip and like steered (steared? o english how ive forgotten u) me while david held me up haha, o my. it was funny. then we danced yet again for hourssss, i mean we got there at 1230 and left at 530...idk why we do that.

then sun i got up early and went to an antique fair in valpo with vanessa and her fam. that was fun, i got a necklace and saw things i want to buy later. then we went back to the sheraton where her fam is staying and hung by the pool/ocean and ate and talked. then her chilean sister came and we went into the spa, it was all sooo beautiful, its by far the nicest hotel around here, its where all the famous people stay, including joe biden who was just here fyi. so i stayed with them all day and then went to lufe's to watch a movie.

then today i just had classes literally allll day. then i went to kathleen's house to have a mini cake/bday party. it was so cute, her family was nice and had decorated and had cake and mini sandwiches and cookies and all kinds of good stuff. and then i came here did work and am now procrastinating...

ok thank god i got that finished. im sure ill appreciate it later, but right now i just wanna sleep. hah. ok, im done

"my song is love"